“We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. “I only like it when you do what I want.”- Henry Cloud
The health of a love relationship can be measured by 1) How well each person in the relationship accept responsibility 2) The willingness of each person to reject/ be rejected by their partner.
In his book Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k, Mark Manson wrote, “When people have murky areas of responsibility for your emotions and actions- areas where it’s unclear who is responsible for what, whose fault is what, why you’re doing what you’re doing- you never develop strong values for yourself. Your only value becomes making your partner happy.”
And this is a dangerous area to be in because being mature means developing your own sets of values and cultivating the ability to solve your own problems.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t support one another. You should support each other, but only because you choose to support not because you feel obligated or entitled.
Acts of love are valid only if they’re performed without conditions or expectations.
Mature people understand that being in a relationship is not about controlling one another’s emotions, but rather, facilitating each other’s emotional growth and character.
Thus, in a healthy relationship, both people must be willing and able to both say no and hear no.
The litmus test of any healthy relationship is this:
“If I refused, how would the relationship change?”
“If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the relationship change?”
If there is no change in the relationship, then I suppose, you’ve found a good match.
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